Blackmail on a Red Letter Day
by Devin Trinidad
Summary: U-2626 finds himself tasked to dig up some dirt on U-2001 by the conniving Dendritic Cell. It doesn't go well.


U-2626 was having a pleasant patrol when a platelet near the spleen cornered and informed him that he was needed elsewhere. Confused, the neutrophil asked the kind platelet where he was exactly needed and why he wasn't informed earlier of his changed route. With a slight look of pity and humor in her eyes, the platelet informed him that it wasn't the route that had changed, but his entire mission. Apparently, much to the neutrophil's ever growing horror, Dendritic Cell needed to speak to him concerning some "private business".

Deeply perturbed by the thought of Dendritic Cell wanting to speak to him of all people, 2626 immediately made his way to Dendritic Cell's location. All the while, thoughts of the green uniformed cell's intentions roiled in his mind—all of which consisted of terrible, horrifying things.

Things that he would rather not think about happening to him or to any other cell for that matter.

Once 2626 reached the gigantic tree that housed the dendritic cells, he began to have second thoughts about the situation. Perhaps he shouldn't come? Technically, he didn't have to obey the Dendritic Cell since he wasn't under his jurisdiction, but what if something bad happened…2626 sweated at the thought of having to go through with his ordeal. Why couldn't one of his more serious or experienced colleagues handle this situation?

It was at this moment that the neutrophil stood a few paces back from the doorframe—the doorframe that could lead to his utter doom.

Unfortunately, all thoughts of staying in front of the doorway for an interminable amount of time were dashed by the sound of footsteps approaching.

"U-2626, I can hear you from the entrance. Please," Dendritic Cell poked his head in front of his office with a look that bordered on sympathetic and unsettling, "do come in."

Cursing internally, the normally smiling white blood cell trudged his way into the office.

There were papers strewn without a care, chairs had fallen to the floor as if a person had carelessly thrown them about, and there was a whiteboard with unintelligible scrawls scribbled all over it. Just what was Dendritic Cell up to in his spare time? He would have expected this sort of conspiracy level sort of mess from Memory Cell due to his paranoia, but this was too much! What was going on and why was he the one being summoned?

"So…Dendritic Cell," 2626 tried being as polite as possible. "Am I here for a reason?"

The neutrophil was glad that his bangs covered his eyes. Underneath his fringe of hair, he was searching the area for any hidden weapons and routes of escape. So far, the only lethal objects that could be utilized as a weapon were the aforementioned chairs and papers.

"Yes, I trust that you know what one of my main functions are, correct?"

2626 nodded warily.

"And I trust that you know that in order to exhibit such functions, I must amass a significant amount of cytokines, yes?"

Oh no.

This was bad.

Why was Dendritic Cell smiling like he was about to start throwing cytokines around?

This time, as 2626 nodded in response to Dendritic Cell's questions, he edged near the door. Screw being obedient, he was not about to get exploited!

"Well, I have a little proposition for you." The cell in the green uniform smiled a little wider as he gestured to one of the fallen chairs. "Please, take a seat while I review some files with you."

Ever so carefully, 2626 complied. He made sure to always keep an eye out for Dendritic Cell. While he was definitely there for the good of the body, that didn't mean that he had to trust him immediately. Once the white haired cell sat down in his seat, Dendritic Cell dumped an entire box filled with files in front of him.

"Are these…?"

"Take a look and see. Tell me what you find most interesting about these pictures."

One by one, 2626 reviewed the files that were set in front of him. There were pictures of 1146 trying to help out platelets, 2048 trying and failing at flirting with some sort of busty cell, and even of 2626 himself! In some pictures, he was trying to prank a few cells here and there…but it all kind of backfired on him in ridiculous ways.

(All of which, mind you, he was not going into detail at this time).

Even though all of the pictures consisted of his fellow neutrophils in some sort of behavior that would be considered embarrassing, nothing seemed amiss. Well, other than the fact that Dendritic Cell quite blatantly ignored the notion of privacy.

Just what was Dendritic Cell after?

"Did you find out what was most interesting?"

"That you always seemed to find the most embarrassing pictures of us all? The effort here is quite astounding, if not completely terrifying." Tact, 2626 tried to repeatedly tell himself. Use tact to get out this situation! "But um…great job?"

"Hmm…I appreciate your flattery, but you're missing the bigger picture. I have all of your friends documented in these files. All of them," he said repeatedly as he looked at the white blood cell pointedly. "Every. Single. One. Of. Them."

"Sure. Okay. What are you getting at?"

"I'm missing one of you."

2626 was floored.

"Missing! One of us? How is that possible?" Which neutrophil was he referring to?

And if there was a specific neutrophil involved, then was it possible to find out how he evaded detection for so long?

Gravely, Dendritic Cell bestowed upon 2626 a look of grim awareness as he paced in front of the other cell.

"Yes, it has come to my attention that U-2001 has evaded all of my attempts to document him at his finest. From the many missions that you have encountered, including the Peyer's Patch incident—" 2626 winced at that memory "—to the emergence of the Cancer Cell…he has never once been archived."

"What…what do you want me to do?"

Dendritic Cell plopped himself on top of his coffee table in front of 2626 and gently took hold of 2626's chin.

"I am so glad that you asked."

* * *

"I have made a deal with a devil."

"Run that by me again."

"I have made a deal with the literal devil."

"2048," 4989 called out to their other companion. "2626 is being cryptic again and he's not explaining why!"

2048 cracked one eye open, regarded 4989 with a steely look and asked, "Does this have anything to do with me?"

"Not really."

"Then don't bother me, 4989. The same goes for you, too, 2626."

2626, not really paying attention to what his friends were saying, just groaned and leaned back against the blood vessel wall. Ever since he had been propositioned by Dendritic Cell (well, not necessarily in an unsavory manner, but still), 2626 felt the urge to jump under a mound of vascular endothelial cells and then go through apoptosis. Unfortunately, his friends had dragged him away from that fate by forcing to him to adhere to a marginating pool. While he appreciated the sentiment, he still had to carry out Dendritic Cell's dirty work or he would have to face the consequences.

"4989, if I do die of embarrassment, I want you to avenge me because 2048 doesn't want to."

2048 rolled his eyes.

"First of all, you're not going to die. Second of all, I wholeheartedly agree; don't have me avenge you. You're not worth the effort," 2048 teased. Despite his earlier attempts to ward them off, the older neutrophil regarded both of his companions, before sitting up straight and remarking, "Hey, it could be worse. You could have been assigned to get some dirt on NK."

All of them shuddered at the prospect.

The Natural Killer Cell could easily use her powers to annihilate them because grabbing dirt on her could qualify as being under her jurisdiction to kill whoever she wished if she felt inclined to do so. The only cell immune to that sort of fate was either another lymphocyte like her or Dendritic Cell.

2626, while still down in the dumps, reluctantly conceded that he did have it somewhat easy.

"You're right, 2048, it could have been a whole lot worse. However, this is 2001 we're talking about. Even when we were kids he had the uncanny ability to disappear within a blink of an eye! Nowadays, we barely see him!"

"That is true, but isn't he total bros with 1146? Catch 1146 and we could theoretically catch 2001." 4989 supplied.

"Oh my," 2048 breathed. "For once you can be very astute."

"Hey! I've always been a genius, you just refuse to believe in me!"

"But why don't we just radio 2001 instead? It'll save us all a lot of trouble and we don't have to get 1146 roped into this mess." 2048 didn't mention that he had happened to see that 1146 was on a lovely stroll with his little red blood cell friend. Even though 1146 was the most mild-mannered of them all (aside from the elusive 2001), 2048 wouldn't put it past him to be a little annoyed that his comrades in arms managed to bungle what was supposed to be a peaceful day.

2626 perked up.

"That's a great idea! We should definitely do that!" And without even thinking, 2626 grabbed his transceiver and tried to radio for 2001.

Unfortunately, there was no answer.

* * *

Natural Killer Cell walked through the busy streets, eyes peeled and ears opened if there were any suspicious circumstances. After the incident in which that damn Cancer Cell had resurfaced with a vengeance, she had become increasingly wary and paranoid. There was no telling which cell could harbor a hatred for the body and its residents so great that they were willing to massacre their entire society.

As she strolled down a side street, she noticed a group of neutrophils talking to each other in hushed tones. Normally, she would have chalked it up their innate weirdness (even among the immune system…they were quite the bloodthirsty lot), but one couldn't be too careful. With catlike grace, she silently scaled up a building and observed from above.

"—could have sworn that he keeps his transceiver with him at all times. What gives?"

"Perhaps he's taking a nap. You know him, always relaxing whenever he gets the chance."

"No wonder Kill—I mean Memory T Cell doesn't like some of us. He probably thinks that all of us are shirking are jobs."

"Yet, I think we can all agree that it's 1146's fault that he thinks that."

"Agreed." A pause. "You think he's actually in a relationship with that red blood cell of his? She's really cute."

"4989, I'm afraid we're getting off track. We should be talking about my current mission!"

"Okay, okay! But still…you think she's pretty cute, right?"

Twin sighs of exasperation and fondness.

"I mean—"

"She's kind of—"

NK Cell, although she had no time for such boring, idle chit chat, decided to drop in their conversation.

Literally.

"WHAT THE—?"

"Hello boys," she greeted calmly as she cleans her uniform free from imaginary dust. "What are you dorks up to?"

All of them look perturbed and vaguely scandalized that the lymphocyte managed to ambush them without any effort. Up close, they were just dorky and weird like the one who managed to get a good stab at that Cancer Cell. With this kind of resemblance and luck, they were probably just as bad as 1146 (or whatever his name is).

"Dorks? We're not dorks!" Buggy eyes. Fluffy hair.

"Why did you drop from the sky? Did Dendritic Cell send you?" No eyes. Vaguely shaking like he's about to explode from anxiety. NK liked that.

Narrow eyes and straight bangs refused to say anything.

That's okay. She's got all the time in the world for their nonsense if No Eyes' little slip of a statement is worth anything. Perhaps she might get something interesting out of this.

"Dendritic Cell? Why would he hire buffoons like you to do his bidding?" Her eyes narrowed further as she assessed their reactions. For the most part, it was only No Eyes who looked like he was about to undergo apoptosis.

Buggy Eyes kind of look irritated that, once again, she had insulted the entirety of the neutrophils' existence.

Narrow Eyes simply looked impassive at the proceedings.

She respected that.

"Come on, No Eyes! You're shaking like a leaf on a windy day." Without any regard for personal space, she walked straight up to the white blood cell's side and asked, "You havin' a bad day?"

To his credit, No Eyes didn't look like he pissed himself—no, he looked like he was about to.

Buggy Eyes, that little twerp, spoke up for his comrade, "Well, we're all having a bad day, especially since you showed up."

"Oh poo, blame it all on me, why don't you? Besides, if this has anything to do with Dendritic Cell, then shouldn't I know about it as well?"

"Nah, I don't think so, lady."

Oooh, Buggy Eyes was really testing her patience. We'll see how confident he is after she beats his smarmy little a—

"We're supposed to be gathering blackmail on one of our colleagues."

So Narrow Eyes did have a preservation instinct. At least one of them had to. NK rounded upon him with a lazy smirk—up close he was quite the looker, too. Not bad; maybe she won't be wasting her time if she hangs out with these neutrophils for a while.

"Is that so?" NK gathered her thoughts for a second before continuing. "Would you like some assistance?"

* * *

AA-5100 didn't fancy herself to be the best at her job—there were times when she might have spent more time on breaks rather than delivering the necessary supplies she was assigned—but she was competent. Whenever she was feeling particularly motivated, there was nothing short of the apocalypse (or some sort of bodily calamity) that could keep her from doing her job. As she sped through her deliveries, she noticed that there was a slight commotion at one of her stops. As she paused, she began to hear hushed whispers, which began to transform into yelling. At this point, the red blood cell knew that it's better to get out while she still can, but before she can do so, the erythrocyte heard a crash and a barrage of swears that had the tips of her ears turning red.

What was going on?

Immediately, she placed her package filled with oxygen onto the ground to avoid it getting damaged. Satisfied that it would remain safe for the time being, she jogged down a side street, slightly eager and apprehensive as to what she might find. Normally, she would have been all for running away, but AE-3803's curiosity must have been rubbing off on her. Regardless, AA-5100, while unaccustomed to running towards danger, still managed to make her way to a scene that was for all intents and purposes, completely different than what she was expecting.

For some odd reason, there was a strange cell that she had never seen before grasping two neutrophils in a headlock while screaming profanities. Another neutrophil, impassive and possibly bored by the affair, was leaning against the wall. The neutrophils in headlocks were trying to squirm away from the female cell's hold, but failed to make her budge.

Curiosity abated, the red blood cell made as if to leave and push the event out of her mind when the third neutrophil spotted her. Sighing, the red blood cell waited for the white blood cell to approach. In the past, she would have been scared witless if an immune cell were to approach her, but nowadays, she knew that they were just plain weirdos—courtesy of that knowledge, of course, is all due to AE-3803.

AA-5100 mumbled a greeting, the neutrophil—2048?—responding in kind.

"You're friends with that red blood cell, right? The one who likes hanging out with my friend?"

It took AA-5100 scarcely a second to get who he was referring to. Once realization settled in, she narrowed her eyes and crossed her arms. Even though she's still quite wary of the immune system—especially the neutrophils—that doesn't mean she's going to rat out her mentee without any good reason.

"Why are you asking?"

2048, to his credit, doesn't rise to the bait.

"We've been trying to contact two of my friends for the past few minutes, but there has been no reply. Since your friend is usually at 1146's side, I thought that there's a higher chance of finding her with him. So," he squared his shoulders and looked down at her with somber authority, "do you know where she is?"

In truth, AA-5100 hadn't seen AE-3803 all that often. After that hypovolemic shock incident, her redheaded friend had taken it upon herself to mentor the transfused red blood cells along with NT-4201. Thinking back on it, when was the last time she had seen AE-3803?

"At this time, if she likes to keep her schedule the same, she might be relaxing at a café near the lungs. Other than that, I don't know."

"Thank you, Miss Red Blood Cell." With that, he smiles gently and tips his hat to her before heading back to his currently tortured friends.

For a moment, AA-5100 watched as the immune cells and that one weird cell finally come to terms about…something before she heads out of the side street. Once she locates her package of oxygen, she heads to her designated location and thinks hard.

Perhaps she should warn her mentee about the storm heading her way.

* * *

Macrophage was a nice cell, all things—like the bloodlust and her general aura of evil—considered, but even she had a breaking point. When she saw a group of immune cells traveling in a group (bickering the entire way, she might add), she felt that it was her duty to inform them that there was no infighting allowed if she had any say in it.

To quote NK, "Put a sock in it, Macrophage."

To quote Macrophage, "Make me, NK."

To quote the neutrophils present at the scene much, much, much later, "They just went at it with no remorse!"

After a brief scuffle (as said by NK) or a slight misunderstanding (as corrected by Macrophage), the cell in maid's attire invited each of them over for freshly made barley tea. Although Macrophage had come out of the altercation with little more than dust littering the front of her dress, NK looked like she had run a marathon. While Macrophage was indisputably weaker than NK when it came to handling particularly malignant creatures, the maid could certainly sweep the floor with the Natural Killer Cell.

"Is there something the matter," Macrophage asked as she poured tea into dainty little teacups. "It's not every day I see a trio of neutrophils babysitting a lymphocyte."

"Hey!" Indignant at what Macrophage was implying, NK made as if to attack her once more, but was held down by the maid's piercing stare. Mollified for the moment, the cell in combat gear sullenly retorted, "It was more like I was babysitting them."

Macrophage's smile dimmed a little at NK's attitude. At that sight, 2626 immediately stepped in. After having been raised by both neutrophils and the occasional macrophage, he knows when to call it quits when questioning authority. Lymphocytes, he thought, were another story that he dared not contemplate right now.

"Dendritic Cell needs me to do something for him and somehow NK Cell got roped into it."

"Think nothing of it," NK said airily as she takes a draught of the scalding tea. If the temperature of the beverage affects her, she doesn't show it. Weakness was never a problem for her. "Just make it worth my while and ten times as entertaining."

"Oh my," Macrophage murmured as she takes a sip. "Dendritic Cell is usually so well behaved whenever the body isn't under attack. Dear, what would he have you do?"

2626 blanched at being called "dear" while 4989 snickered under his breath.

"He wants me to get some juicy blackmail material on U-2001. The problem is that whenever we tried radioing his transceiver, there's only silence on his end." 2626 idly played with the rim of his still full teacup as he continued. "We also tried calling 1146 since they usually go to the same marginating pools whenever they're not on duty, but nothing."

"The only lead we have now is that red blood cell 1146 likes." 2048 concluded. "You wouldn't have noticed any of them lately, have you, Miss Macrophage?"

The female cell tapped her chin, lost in thought.

"I can't say that I have. However, that doesn't explain why NK was travelling with you in the first place."

"Oh yeah. I ambushed them."

"NK!"

"What? All immune cells are supposed to be vigilant at all times. Do you realize how badly all our reputations could have been ruined if the word got out to the rest of the populace that our front lines are comprised of weird dorks."

"For the last time, NK, we're not dorks!"

"Keep telling yourselves that; maybe you'll believe it one day."

Macrophage held up a hand, causing everyone at the table to pause and stare at her in silence.

"Really now? Isn't the solution quite simple?" She raised an eyebrow at everyone's gobsmacked expressions at her slight reprimand. "Simply wait for an infection or some other event and you'll find 2001 and 1146…and possibly that little red blood cell friend of yours. There's simply no need to hasten things along, especially since blackmail material is hard to come by under normal circumstances. Just wait for the opportunity to arise, 2626."

Huh.

How come it never occurred to them that it would be that easy?

* * *

Back at the main headquarters, a small group of platelets were sweeping the dust off the stairs and helping Dendritic Cell with his paperwork. As Dendritic Cell began reorganizing the mess that he made only hours ago, there was a presence at his door. Because of the newcomer's silent nature and tendency to not make his presence known unless invited to do so, the cell clothed in green motioned for his little helpers for the day to leave. Once the platelets had cleared out, Dendritic Cell called out for his visitor to step inside.

"You've made quite the mess," the newcomer observed. "I didn't realize that you were that keen on acting the role of a drama queen." The newcomer paused. "You're like 4989 in that regard."

"Oh?" Dendritic Cell grinned with the affection of a man who had too much information on his hands and knew it. "Do tell! I like getting to know the cells of the immune system."

The newcomer sighed, but laughed softly as he dropped a sheaf of documents onto Dendritic Cell's table. The sheaf was so heavy that it caused a dull thudding sound that had the platelets outside asking if there was anything wrong. After reassuring the childlike cells that they were, in fact, quite fine, Dendritic Cell opened the file and reverently scanned each of the photos.

There were pictures of a trio of neutrophils bemoaning about their fates together in a marginating pool.

There were photos of the aforementioned neutrophils getting themselves beat up and ambushed by Natural Killer Cell.

There were even more pictures of Natural Killer Cell getting her nucleus handed to her by Macrophage.

Dendritic Cell whistled appreciatively.

"Nicely done. You could become a Dendritic Cell like me…U-2001."

The neutrophil let one of the corners of his mouth turn up at the compliment before revealing that he held another sheaf of photos.

"Of course. But, this is still a negotiation in progress if you recall. Do you see what I have in my hand?"

Dendritic Cell nodded eagerly in anticipation.

"These are photos of U-1146 and AE-3803 in…unflattering conditions. You'll get these if you agree to never take photos of me…" At Dendritic Cell's wilting expression, 2001 sighed before amending his statement, "... other than the ones I give you. Understood?"

Dendritic Cell sighed.

"Playing hard to get, huh, 2001? Whatever, I like your work ethic and I've been meaning on replenishing my supply of cytokines for ages. What you did for me just pushed me ahead of schedule for a long time to come." His eyes sparkled as he regarded the neutrophil with newfound appreciation. "Congratulations, you have succeeded in besting me at my own game."

2001 nodded impassively before shaking Dendritic Cell's hand before handing the remaining photos over.

"Pleasure doing business with you."


End file.
